Author Brigitte Gauthier
A child is born into an environment of sadness, despair and anger. The news of a 5-day hospital stay following delivery did not reach a father busy enjoying his youth. There was no cell phone or answering machine or voice mail in those days and as long as we stayed away from home, we were not reachable.
Mom slowly recovered from all the lost blood. The child will not have the breast but the bottle. It’s fine because the breast comes with anger. Everything comes with anger actually. The child cries her discomfort. Anger is growing all the stronger. The baby’s becomes frightened. The fear becomes terror. Anger is constantly rumbling and bursts out with the hazards of life. Without a specific reason. Simply because too much is too much.
The terror of the child makes her mute. She does not speak anymore. The child takes responsibility for mom’s moods. How can one bring peace and joy when anger is constantly rumbling? The most effective way is not to make noise, not to speak, not to come into contact. Over the years, it became a habit and already in kindergarten, fear kept the girl away from everyone. She became a stranger, isolated by fear.
At home and elsewhere, the people are scary. The girl fears any irritation because chance can turn a discomfort into a bursting volcano. Being mute, listening, smiling, are the best options. The stress is constant. The world expresses anger and the girl stays behind. Years of practice have not changed the strategy.
Words want to go out but fear holds them back. Isolation weighs heavily. The teenager wants to get in touch. She needs to feel listened to and heard. Her inability to speak prohibits people to become friends. She can listen. This allows for one-way friendships. The most intimate relationships are just a waste of time. The child is alone; very alone because she does not know how to open.
Thanks to her innate talent of seduction, the young woman attracts lovers. These relationships are unsatisfactory. The inability to open does not allow the intimacy she desires. Life passes, the woman is alone and socially incompetent.
Time and love have built the trust she now feels for the few friends around her. Their kindness for more than a decade, are helping her healing. Armed with patience and indulgence, small victories accumulate. This woman can now speak without fear to people around her including her mother, long feared. Therapy, writing, meditation and courage all contributed to recovery. Now, in her late fifties, this woman dares to say who she is. This woman is talking to you now.
My goal with this blog is to dissolve anger, frustration and negativity. My goal is also to spread smiles, love and gratitude. I hope that you, who are reading these lines, recognize your pains and your blessings. I hope that peace surrounds you every time you read the blog and that this feeling stays with you longer and longer.